


making memories

by TheQueenInTheNorth



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, F/F, Past Brainwashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25980061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheQueenInTheNorth/pseuds/TheQueenInTheNorth
Summary: Raina thought she'd prepared herself for all possible consequences of bringing Kara to Shield to try to recover her memories. Losing all their time together was not one she had forseen.
Relationships: Kara Lynn Palamas/Raina (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 12
Collections: AOS AU August 2020





	making memories

**Author's Note:**

> follow-up to 'allegiance' but can be read on its own

Whatever Simmons had done to break Kara out of Hydra’s brainwashing had worked, Raina kept reminding herself of that fact.

It had been the whole point of not just disappearing somewhere, away from it all. It had been the whole point of throwing herself at Shield’s mercy.

She’d known she was basically giving up her freedom - not that she was officially a prisoner but it was quite clear she was under suspicion of seeking to doublecross them, and wouldn’t get to leave any time soon - but she hadn’t thought it would be like this, sitting all alone and trying not to think about the way Kara had looked at her, vaguely interested, mildly polite, with no recognition of who she was.

Just a few days ago, Kara had loved her. Now Kara didn’t even know her.

Raina tried to bring back the mask of indifference she had worn for far too many years but she was just so very tired. All she could bring herself to do was drag herself out of the room she’d been assigned and to the kitchen to get some food whenever her stomach would no longer be ignored.

She was so lost in her own miserable thoughts she almost jumped out of her skin when Daisy spoke up from her spot by the counter,“How are you doing?”

Raina wanted to glare at her, she really did. Somehow, all she managed was a shrug.

“Yeah, I figured,”Daisy said, voice far too soft, far too kindly. It reeked of pity.“Why don’t you go talk to her?”

“She doesn’t know me,”Raina said. It came out raspy, voice rough from disuse.

Daisy surveyed her for a few long seconds before settling on,“Right now.”

It wasn’t exactly the promise Kara would remember, more a general statement: She didn’t know her and no matter what way, it would not change if Raina didn’t go see her.

She could start over, get to know Kara as a stranger. Their relationship until now had been built on what Hydra had done to Kara. Maybe it better was forgotten, all things considered.

But wasn’t Kara better off without Raina, anyway?

“What you did for her,”Daisy started.

Raina turned and left the kitchen without another word. She didn’t need to hear anymore. What she had done was done. Her reasons were none of Daisy’s concern.

She needed to stay out of Raina’s business.

And yet…

Her words didn’t let go of Raina for the next few days, forcing her to face the facts: She wasn’t ready to give up what she had with Kara; she wasn’t ready to give up Kara, period.

The only logical next step was to go see her, even if Raina was loath to follow any of Daisy’s ideas on sheer principle.

She stood outside the medbay and tried to muster the courage to knock. Why had it been so much easier to taunt Hydra agents to their face than it was to take these last few steps?

Just when she was almost ready to give up and go back to her room to bask in her misery, Simmons stepped out of the room. She didn’t look surprised to find her there. Raina hated having become predictable.

“Oh, good,”Simmons said, her smile a little hesitant,“I think she gets pretty bored, you know. She’ll enjo you sitting with her.”

Raina hummed a vague agreement and stepped into the medbay before she could lose her nerve and flee.

Kara smiled at her. It was a nice smile; it held no recognition.

“Heard you were bored,”Raina said, holding up a pack of cards like it was a question.

Kara’s smile widened.“So bored! You’re my hero.”

Raina laughed and tried not to mind that she’d been ‘my love’ not so long ago. ‘My hero’ was better than nothing, she supposed.

* * *

She came back the next day, and the day after, and every one from them on, until Kara was released from the medbay.

“Simmons said you brought me here,”Kara said one day.“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,”Raina said, because that was the appropriate answer and because she didn’t want to think about how part of her wished she hadn’t.

The lingering sadness, the longing for her past had gone from Kara’s eyes; wishing it back just to get the love back, too, was incredibly selfish, and Raina didn’t want to look at that side of herself too closely.

“Thanks anyway.” Kara smiled at her but it didn’t quite erase the scrutiny in her eyes. She was curious. Understandably so, she had lost months of her life. Better than the years it used to have been but still not great. She placed down her scrabble pieces before pressing on,“So, where we-”

“Close?”Raina finished for her. She didn’t even want to know what Simmons had told Kara.“Yeah, I guess.”

Kara’s stare was far too intense and so Raina deflected.“I don’t think that’s even a word. You’re not getting the points unless it’s in the dictionary.”

Kara let it go.

If this version of her was anything like the one Raina had gotten to know, it wouldn’t be for long.

* * *

Kara had asked her to join her in the small garden area the base had and Raina couldn’t say no to her, as much as she wanted to.

Things were so easy between them, a natural friendship, and it scared Raina. What if Kara didn’t know that Raina had always been a triple agent, only out for herself, always looking for the next opportunity? Was she supposed to tell her that about herself? Was it wrong to subtly flirt back to this woman she was already in love with? Was it even possible for her to still be in love with this Kara, when it wasn’t really her Kara?

“You think too much,”Kara told her, nudging her foot with her own gently.“It’s all over your face.”

“Not much else to do,”Raina deflected with a smile she knew was not enough to fool Kara.

Well, wouldn’t have to been enough back when…

Kara sighed, somewhere between sad and longing.“I’m sorry I don’t remember you.”

“It’s fine.”

The words came automatically. Lying was second nature to Raina in so many aspects of her life. She hadn’t lied to Kara in a long time.

“It’s not.” Kara shifted in her seat so their shoulders pressed together.“Sometimes I think I can almost reach something. I really want to remember you.”

“You can ask anything,”Raina offered. That wasn’t quite the same as remembering but it was all she could offer.

Kara scrutinised her, nodded, and held her peace for the rest of the day.

* * *

She asked questions over the next few weeks, more and more personal ones.

Raina answered them all, waiting for Kara to find out something that drove her away.

Some questions made her fall silent and stare into her tea for minutes on end but she never stopped. She rarely even seemed upset, and when she was, it wasn’t at Raina.

Some days, everything felt like it had before and Raina could pretend.

“Can I try something?”Kara asked, voice barely more than a whisper.

Raina caught the way her eyes flicked to her lips, swallowed hard, and nodded.

The kiss was gentle, soft and short.

Kara smiled at her shyly as she pulled away.“That felt sort of familiar.” She leaned in for another kiss, even shorter but driving a blush onto her cheeks.“Mostly it felt nice.”

“Maybe you don’t actually need to remember,”Raina said.

It sounded like a question even to her own ears.

Kara chewed on her lower lip thoughtfully and finally settled on,“Will you stick around even if I don’t?”

“As long as you want,”Raina promised.

Kara pulled her closer to kiss her again, beaming when they broke apart.“That’ll be a long time, you know.”

“I’ll manage,”Raina said, and stole another kiss.

There were always new memories to be made, years worth to make up for the months that had been lost.


End file.
